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Friday, January 16, 2009 @ 3:29 AM

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For a change, I thought I'd start with a photo. Can anyone guess what it is? Anyone who sits near me in class should be able to see it everyday.(:

I know it looks like some alien object, but it's just a close-up of something and sunlight shining through it. Try to guess! I'll reveal the answer in the next post!! ;P

Now, here's the short story for this week: dreams, delusions, denials.

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Eating chocolate is supposed to make you happy, right...?

So why am I still crying?

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He must have been the first person to give me chocolate. I can never recall how, when or why, but from then on, he had always appeared in front of me with a chocolate bar. We would sit under a tree and talk, breaking off chunks of chocolate for each sentence, and before we knew it, the chocolate bar would have disappeared. Then he would smile, and say, 'I'll bring a bigger one next time,' before leaving with a cheerful wave.

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I miss him.

But that is no reason to cry, because he's coming back.

He told me so, before he left on that train.

So why am I still crying?

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Those people, the ones in the white coats, they told me that he was my brother. I do not believe it. I do not remember any life beyond these four walls, but they keep insisting that I have a name, that is is Alexandra, and that I had once lived in a town called... It does not matter. What they say is not true. I am a robot. We do not have parents, names, and we do not have any feelings. Those people, they made me as a replica of that man's sister to replace the real Alexandra, and they want me to live in her stead. I will not let them program her identity into me.

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I have no emotions.

I am not Alexandra.

So why am I crying?

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It is strange that they have used newspaper to plaster the walls of my room. Although it is not as aesthetically pleasing as normal wallpaper, the pictures and words make a myriad of patterns that dazzle my eyes. Train wrecks seem to be a common theme in the photographs, and the headlines scream about hundreds of deaths. There is a patch of white wall free of newspaper. A list of names is tacked upon it. Each day, I would read the list. Each day, at the name 'Alexander', I would stop, and tears would fall. Even though I do not know any person named that, there would be a heaviness settling upon my chest. Each day, without fail, I would read that list.

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Why am I crying?

Let me stop, let me stop, let me stop.

I am tired, I am weary, I am exhausted.

I want to wake from this nightmare.

Alexander, he is alive, I know, he will be alive as soon as I wake.

Papa, Mama, they never went to the mountains, there was never a rockslide, they will be there when I wake.

This place, this room with four walls and newspaper, it does not exist.

I am not a robot.

I am Alexandra, and I have my twin, I have my parents, and they are not dead.

I did not survive that car crash, because I never got into that car, and I never lost my memory.

I want to wake up. I do not want to live in this dream.

Let me go home. I know I can.

...so why am I crying?

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Since people said they didn't understand what I wrote in the previous post, I thought I'd start explaining my writing.

For this short story, the girl, Alexandra, lost her memory when she was in a car accident, and she lives in a special ward in the hospital now.Her twin brother, Alexander, comes to visit her regularly, and he brings her chocolate and chats with her. The 'ones in white coats' are the doctors, but Alexandra has deluded herself into thinking that they are scientists who made her a robot, and are trying to brainwash her into believing that she is Alexander's sister. One day, Alexander dies in a train accident, and she starts crying even though she doesn't know why. At the end, she has recovered her memory. However, she thinks that she's only in a nightmare, and wants to wake up. She's in denial, in other words. However, she's not dreaming, so she'll never wake up, and the reality is that, all her family is dead.

Does that explain the title of this story? (:

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As U-shiuan complained that there was not enough 'normal' writing that she could read in the previous post, I thought I'd ramble a little on my life.

We are taking the 'O' Levels this year, and everyone's been stressing about them, but has anyone thought of what they are going to do after the 'O' Levels? Our lives don't end after these examinations, rather, we are only just beginning our lives now. Polytechnic, or Junior College? Where should we go? After either one of these, we'll be getting our degrees, but what kind of degree are we getting? What work will we be doing?

We should really start thinking about these kinds of things now, or at least spare some time from studying to consider our options. The kind of job you want to do affects the kind of qualification you'll be studying for, which in turn, affects what your 'O' Level results should be, and what your targets for the 'O's should be. At least, that's my reasoning.

For myself, I want to be a psychologist, and I'm aiming for a Master's degree in Psychology. To achieve that, I'll need a Bachelor's degree first, and I found out that some universities give advanced standing to those who hold diplomas for this, so I'm most likely going to a polytechnic. (This is part of the reason why I dropped Higher Mother Tongue, since that 2 points I could minus off my L1R5 would be useless for polytechnic entry.) I checked out some schools online, read the newspaper, and learned new things. I discovered that you could go straight for your degree after the 'O' Levels, but I assume that it is only if your scores are good enough. So, I'll be doing my best for the 'O' Levels, and what school I go to will depend on my results next year. (:

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